Tonight's the night I really would like to give up.
I'm struggling to find any use for anybody right now, and the best I can come up with is to take care of my cat. Nobody else would want to, or have the patience to deal with her moods, and she does seem to really like it being just two of us. I made sort of an agreement with myself a year or two ago that I would at least wait until my cat died until I'd commit suicide ... that's honestly the only thing that's stopping me tonight, and I'm judging that as me being extremely pathetic.
I would like to find some sort of purpose for myself. It was an assignment from group a couple weeks ago to find purpose (through values, dreams, wants, needs, etc.), and then come up with some future goals that you would truly like to do. They had no restrictions: big/small, realistic/fantasy, anything ... I could've put "to be a major league baseball player", and that would've been it, but I came up with nothing. There's no goals because there's no purpose.
I don't have any dreams or wants or needs or priorities. Not even the imaginative ones anymore.
Then the suggestion was to come up with things that maybe a more optimistic me would consider as being goals, and possibly, through achieving some of those goals, I could find purpose. Problem: I've been working on, and achieved some of, those faux goals for 5 years now. It's not working.
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I don't have anyone currently that I would like to talk to about me or how I'm doing. I have two individual therapists now, and group twice a week, but even now on a Friday night/Saturday morning, where I skipped group therapy on Thursday, these 4 days without therapy or having any sort of deep conversation, is making feel so shitty and alone and isolated.
It's not like I've been isolating myself, either. I've been helping my mom and her fiance move out of their condo multiple times this week, I went down to my grandparent's cabin this morning/afternoon and helped my grandpa put the dock in, along with cleaning up his pontoon and doing random chores around the place that he wanted my help for ... I even had a great time with him, joking with and being "normal" around him.
But that went away pretty quickly. His and I conversations aren't anything deep, on the car rides, we don't even speak a word to each other. Who do I have to talk to, that I have a solid, functional relationship with, where it would feel comfortable? One close friend that I have is continually moving on with their life while I'm in a standstill, and I am avoiding contact with them for no sensible reason other than I think it's just been too long of so little contact that avoiding just seems like the easier way. I could talk to my mom, but she seems particularly miserable because of stresses that she's going through (which some I believe are completely on me), just after a few minutes talking with her, I'm feeling these same stresses as she is, and my problems don't even seem comparable.
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This post has no point to it, I don't have any particular person to talk to, so part of the reason of why I made the blog was so I could just get thoughts down, and it just be read by anyone who would want to.
Update: It was really dumb of me to write a post like this, and then once I finally did fall asleep at about 6-6:30 this morning, put my phone on silent so I could get some sleep. I incidentally scared the fuck out of some people (I'm really sorry, Joe), and that obviously wasn't my intention - I know when to check into the hospital on my own if I'm at that point of needing help.
The biggest problem with my writing above that I didn't make clear at all - that while last night was some elevated levels of depression and suicidal ideation - this is the kind of stuff that runs through my mind every day. And I mean every single day, it's something I wake up to and something I try to fall asleep to each morning & night. So while it was different for others to read that sort of thing, any worry/concern there was specifically for last night ... while it certainly didn't feel good, it also didn't feel too much out of the ordinary for me.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Silver Linings Playbook & Bipolar
I watched Silver Linings Playbook last night for the first time, and am somewhat disappointed in myself that I really didn't love it. Honestly, I was constantly worried.
I was worried what others thought about bipolar disorder and what their, whether it be those around me, or the general public, impressions were. I don't have bipolar, but do have friends with it and have met many people through therapy and at the hospital with it that I just wasn't able to make a connection between what I see in them versus the character in the film. After I was done with the film and was researching a bit, I think the main difference that stopped me from connecting was Bradley Cooper's character, Pat, has some psychosis (delusions, in this case) as well.
Those of you who don't have a lot of experience with bipolar disorder, there's five different diagnoses. The most common is Bipolar II, with Bipolar I being second. Bipolar I is a swing between states of depression and mania, Bipolar II, mania is replaced with hypomania (a less intense form). I think most people know what depression symptoms can be like, mania being basically the opposite: excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement, restlessness, increased energy, and less need of sleep. Mania can also give you sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile.
Then comes the psychosis part. Taken from Julie Fast at Healthyplace.com, some percentages.
I think every person with bipolar that I've known has Bipolar II, and psychosis wasn't something that came or comes up. My worry is taking a very popular film like Silver Linings Playbook, not doing the research on a diagnosis the main character had, and making an assumption that because someone has bipolar, no matter which form, they are going to be psychotic as well. I have a real fear of psychosis - not those who have it, but more a fear of if I ever were to lose touch with reality myself.
There's a specific scene where Cooper's and Lawrence's characters are discussing which medications they take or took (Lithium, Seroquel, Abilify, Xanax, Effexor, Klonopin, & Trazodone), all of which I've taken at one time or am currently taking as well. Again, I almost constantly worry about what others think, and even though I tweeted and made a status about that connection last night, thinking it was kind of funny at the time... I now worry someone's going to make a connection of me with a character who doesn't have much of anything in common with me.
However, I do have to commend David O. Russell (screenplay writer/director) on how bipolar was treated throughout. Again, my worries are much more pointed at how it's perceived by others, not what Russell did himself. The family of Pat is supporting without being preachy, and shows their struggle as well as Pat's. Russell was also able to be comedic about it. I think being able to laugh at mental illnesses, without invalidating what they are and how people have to deal with them, is extremely helpful to those who are going through it.
I was worried what others thought about bipolar disorder and what their, whether it be those around me, or the general public, impressions were. I don't have bipolar, but do have friends with it and have met many people through therapy and at the hospital with it that I just wasn't able to make a connection between what I see in them versus the character in the film. After I was done with the film and was researching a bit, I think the main difference that stopped me from connecting was Bradley Cooper's character, Pat, has some psychosis (delusions, in this case) as well.
Those of you who don't have a lot of experience with bipolar disorder, there's five different diagnoses. The most common is Bipolar II, with Bipolar I being second. Bipolar I is a swing between states of depression and mania, Bipolar II, mania is replaced with hypomania (a less intense form). I think most people know what depression symptoms can be like, mania being basically the opposite: excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement, restlessness, increased energy, and less need of sleep. Mania can also give you sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile.
Then comes the psychosis part. Taken from Julie Fast at Healthyplace.com, some percentages.
- Bipolar psychosis is always attached to either mania or depression. It doesn't exist on its own.
- Up to 70% of people in a full blown manic episode experience psychosis. (People with Bipolar II rarely experience psychosis.)
- Though studies vary, it's estimated that 50% of people with bipolar depression experience psychosis. Though it's more common in severe depression, it can be present in moderate depression as well.
I think every person with bipolar that I've known has Bipolar II, and psychosis wasn't something that came or comes up. My worry is taking a very popular film like Silver Linings Playbook, not doing the research on a diagnosis the main character had, and making an assumption that because someone has bipolar, no matter which form, they are going to be psychotic as well. I have a real fear of psychosis - not those who have it, but more a fear of if I ever were to lose touch with reality myself.
There's a specific scene where Cooper's and Lawrence's characters are discussing which medications they take or took (Lithium, Seroquel, Abilify, Xanax, Effexor, Klonopin, & Trazodone), all of which I've taken at one time or am currently taking as well. Again, I almost constantly worry about what others think, and even though I tweeted and made a status about that connection last night, thinking it was kind of funny at the time... I now worry someone's going to make a connection of me with a character who doesn't have much of anything in common with me.
However, I do have to commend David O. Russell (screenplay writer/director) on how bipolar was treated throughout. Again, my worries are much more pointed at how it's perceived by others, not what Russell did himself. The family of Pat is supporting without being preachy, and shows their struggle as well as Pat's. Russell was also able to be comedic about it. I think being able to laugh at mental illnesses, without invalidating what they are and how people have to deal with them, is extremely helpful to those who are going through it.
Friday, February 22, 2013
My Cat, Coco
As a kid, I didn't have many pets. I can only really recall two dogs. One I have a single memory of, a black scottie, who bit my cheek and had to be put down as it was the second instance of biting a child (the other with the previous owner). My other dog was a yellow lab, and I had it when I lived out on a farm in Morristown, so when my mom, sister, and I moved away, he stayed out there. I remember only little things about him, all are good.
When I was in 9th or 10th grade, my mom got me a cat to go with the new townhome she recently had gotten. Going through early high school, I was already dealing with some loneliness and being distant/avoidant to hanging out with friends outside of school, so I was getting hopes up for a cat that would be really close with me, sleep in my bed every night, just be a very chill, lovable cat, and I would be great to it.
It doesn't take too long into a therapist session to realize that I have tons of fear of being unwanted. This was worse in my teen years, and it's most apparent to me, when I look at my relationship I had with my cat, Coco, back then.
At the start, the big thing was wanting her to want to be around me. It was only me and my mom living there, my sister had gone off to college, so I figured I had a great chance of being that, especially when I was the one home first every day, typically around the house more often, and feeding her. When it would be just the two of us, I thought we got along fine. She was a kitten, so plenty of energy and a lot of time spent running around after toys and playing with her. When my mom came home later from work, however, I don't have much memory of Coco wanting to be around me more than her. I would get really jealous of this.
It's hard to say how old Coco was by this time, but one of the things I mentioned as my hopes, was her sleeping in my bed with me. This would never happen on its own. After frustration and anger of it not happening, I tried to force it. Without thinking about the obvious things like water, food, litter for her at night, I would simply shut the door and try to keep her calm and fall asleep in my bed so I could fall asleep as well. It might've worked on occasion, until 3am or whenever she did need to go out to eat/drink/poop, and would meow at the door to open all night, but I was okay with her sleeping with me until then, because it was something, so I would repeatedly do it.
Over the course of 3 years of having her at the house, there were a lot of times, similar to the sleep thing, where I would become frustrated with how I wanted her to be, remove any rational thinking, and abuse her. I would chase her all around the house, way past the point of it being 'playing', seeing her face full of fear, and still chasing after her, hitting her, flipping her, pulling on her tail, or throwing her in the air, and doing so on many, many occasions.
If you've met her, you have plainly seen the cause of my behavior. She's a very angry and protective cat, where the smallest thing can cause her to take a swipe or bite at you. She'll run away and hide if there's much of any threat at all. When I had her at my old apartment with my ex-roommate, he and our friends would always refer to her as the crazy/bad/angry cat. Same with my mom and grandparents, when they all had to take care of her at different times when I was either in Atlanta or just wasn't able to have her living with me. It's true that she is/can be very angry, but that's my fault.
Since last June, when it's just been the two of us at my new apartment, I think it's been a lot more positive. I hardly have any people over to visit, so she isn't looking threatened or scared if it's just me coming home. Most nights she will sleep in my bed, without being forced, and whenever I am getting comfortable laying on my couch, she's already jumping up to sprawl out on my chest to nap.
On occasion - once every 6 weeks or so - she will go back to that very angry mood. Most of the time, I won't know why, it could be simply one of those times she's sleeping on my chest, I'm petting her, and she'll get a look in her eye staring at my hand like I'm going to hit her, and she'll attack me instead. When those happen, it will always be a lot of (justified) blame towards myself, and a lot more regret.
When I was in 9th or 10th grade, my mom got me a cat to go with the new townhome she recently had gotten. Going through early high school, I was already dealing with some loneliness and being distant/avoidant to hanging out with friends outside of school, so I was getting hopes up for a cat that would be really close with me, sleep in my bed every night, just be a very chill, lovable cat, and I would be great to it.
It doesn't take too long into a therapist session to realize that I have tons of fear of being unwanted. This was worse in my teen years, and it's most apparent to me, when I look at my relationship I had with my cat, Coco, back then.
At the start, the big thing was wanting her to want to be around me. It was only me and my mom living there, my sister had gone off to college, so I figured I had a great chance of being that, especially when I was the one home first every day, typically around the house more often, and feeding her. When it would be just the two of us, I thought we got along fine. She was a kitten, so plenty of energy and a lot of time spent running around after toys and playing with her. When my mom came home later from work, however, I don't have much memory of Coco wanting to be around me more than her. I would get really jealous of this.
It's hard to say how old Coco was by this time, but one of the things I mentioned as my hopes, was her sleeping in my bed with me. This would never happen on its own. After frustration and anger of it not happening, I tried to force it. Without thinking about the obvious things like water, food, litter for her at night, I would simply shut the door and try to keep her calm and fall asleep in my bed so I could fall asleep as well. It might've worked on occasion, until 3am or whenever she did need to go out to eat/drink/poop, and would meow at the door to open all night, but I was okay with her sleeping with me until then, because it was something, so I would repeatedly do it.
Over the course of 3 years of having her at the house, there were a lot of times, similar to the sleep thing, where I would become frustrated with how I wanted her to be, remove any rational thinking, and abuse her. I would chase her all around the house, way past the point of it being 'playing', seeing her face full of fear, and still chasing after her, hitting her, flipping her, pulling on her tail, or throwing her in the air, and doing so on many, many occasions.
If you've met her, you have plainly seen the cause of my behavior. She's a very angry and protective cat, where the smallest thing can cause her to take a swipe or bite at you. She'll run away and hide if there's much of any threat at all. When I had her at my old apartment with my ex-roommate, he and our friends would always refer to her as the crazy/bad/angry cat. Same with my mom and grandparents, when they all had to take care of her at different times when I was either in Atlanta or just wasn't able to have her living with me. It's true that she is/can be very angry, but that's my fault.
Since last June, when it's just been the two of us at my new apartment, I think it's been a lot more positive. I hardly have any people over to visit, so she isn't looking threatened or scared if it's just me coming home. Most nights she will sleep in my bed, without being forced, and whenever I am getting comfortable laying on my couch, she's already jumping up to sprawl out on my chest to nap.
On occasion - once every 6 weeks or so - she will go back to that very angry mood. Most of the time, I won't know why, it could be simply one of those times she's sleeping on my chest, I'm petting her, and she'll get a look in her eye staring at my hand like I'm going to hit her, and she'll attack me instead. When those happen, it will always be a lot of (justified) blame towards myself, and a lot more regret.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Life Vision
I realize I haven't posted anything here since the first of the year, and was kind of avoiding doing anything on this blog because I wasn't sure what to write anymore. Everything (my thoughts, feelings, mood, actions/non-actions) seem to run in cycles, and once I get out on here how or why I'm not doing well at that time, the same thing can come up, and I don't feel like writing the same stuff over again. Not enough new things really happen in my current life to add new experiences or feelings that make me feel are really worthy to write about.
Having said that, I was reminded two weeks ago that I haven't written anything in a long time from a dear friend, and again tonight by another, I felt if at least two people did want to hear something from me, then maybe I should try to write something out. I'm not doing anything tonight, anyway, other than possibly a movie later.
First, a catch up since January 1: Same routine of DBT group 3x a week, individual therapist once every other week, and a psychiatrist about once a month. Current anti-depressant is Emsam, where I started at 6mg, was upped to 9, and was recently upped to the max dosage of 12mg starting tomorrow. Also trying a thyroid hormone drug called Cytomel that's supposed to increase energy, and it's working somewhat. Sleep has improved, as far as the falling asleep part goes. Still will have cycles, especially on the weekends when I don't have plans, of staying up til 5-6am and sleep for 12 or so hours, but I wouldn't say my mood is really worse from it alone - more so the 'not having plans' part.
Which brings me to the point of this post, which is something I've been talking about in my group since last Thursday, and that's what my life vision is. We're supposed to come up with some singular statement that encompasses what it is that I want to do in my life that will hopefully make me feel at least a bit better and what I am doing now that is helping with that.
My statement that I came up with after only a couple minutes of thought was: "A working schedule throughout the typical week that can keep me from being alone to my negative thoughts & behaviors." I think it's a good statement to have, but a problem that I brought up today, that unfortunately didn't have any answer is: how.
I saw my therapist last Tuesday, and we were having a very complex discussion on the risks and rewards of relying on other people for plans and enjoyable experiences and then what becomes too dependent on others in order to be happy. I'm currently in a place where I don't enjoy my own company. I only found out about myself a few weeks ago that besides the insecurities and annoyances I always knew I had about myself, that there is a true hate and self-loathing that I have, something I never actually said out loud to anybody before. I am in a place where I am in need of somebody else with me (or simply talking on facebook or texting with) to have any type of enjoyment.
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I have to stop what I was going to get to now because that last sentence just brings on a number of different emotions reading it back to myself.
1) Insignificance. I don't think I articulated this well when I saw my therapist, but there's not a lot of self-worth or importance in anything I am doing now on my own to help myself because it feels that the only real big difference I see is whether or not I'm with another person, having a good time with them. Nothing I'm doing on my own can or is coming near that.
2) Selfishness. I think I'm way too dependent on others, and while the self-worth is down, I feel like I'm being selfish anytime I'm asking anyone to do something with me. I said above that I need, not want, but need someone to have enjoyment.
3) Loneliness. This is linked to the selfishness; I'm not #1 in anybody's life. It's not their job to make me happy when they have their own lives and people closer to them to worry about and be with.
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So back to the how. How do I accomplish my life vision? There's a number of things that I can think of right off the bat on how to fill up time. First is school. I looked up some info on the schools near me a couple weeks ago, and was pushed to at least apply by a friend last week, but even just looking at the "How to apply" page brings up so much anxiety that while I'll still give it some consideration from time to time, it's not something I can really do yet. Another idea would be work, but same with the school, anxiety takes control of that, along with pretty much zero work experience, not excellent high school grades, and one year of culinary school, I'm thinking there's not a lot of options.
Volunteer work is something that always comes up, but not something I find conceivable doing on my own, and after those three options, I'm stuck. Breaking it down into smaller steps is always the main suggestion to avoid feeling overwhelmed, but break what down, when it's "filling up my days" that don't include the three things I mentioned above? I don't know.
Having said that, I was reminded two weeks ago that I haven't written anything in a long time from a dear friend, and again tonight by another, I felt if at least two people did want to hear something from me, then maybe I should try to write something out. I'm not doing anything tonight, anyway, other than possibly a movie later.
First, a catch up since January 1: Same routine of DBT group 3x a week, individual therapist once every other week, and a psychiatrist about once a month. Current anti-depressant is Emsam, where I started at 6mg, was upped to 9, and was recently upped to the max dosage of 12mg starting tomorrow. Also trying a thyroid hormone drug called Cytomel that's supposed to increase energy, and it's working somewhat. Sleep has improved, as far as the falling asleep part goes. Still will have cycles, especially on the weekends when I don't have plans, of staying up til 5-6am and sleep for 12 or so hours, but I wouldn't say my mood is really worse from it alone - more so the 'not having plans' part.
Which brings me to the point of this post, which is something I've been talking about in my group since last Thursday, and that's what my life vision is. We're supposed to come up with some singular statement that encompasses what it is that I want to do in my life that will hopefully make me feel at least a bit better and what I am doing now that is helping with that.
My statement that I came up with after only a couple minutes of thought was: "A working schedule throughout the typical week that can keep me from being alone to my negative thoughts & behaviors." I think it's a good statement to have, but a problem that I brought up today, that unfortunately didn't have any answer is: how.
I saw my therapist last Tuesday, and we were having a very complex discussion on the risks and rewards of relying on other people for plans and enjoyable experiences and then what becomes too dependent on others in order to be happy. I'm currently in a place where I don't enjoy my own company. I only found out about myself a few weeks ago that besides the insecurities and annoyances I always knew I had about myself, that there is a true hate and self-loathing that I have, something I never actually said out loud to anybody before. I am in a place where I am in need of somebody else with me (or simply talking on facebook or texting with) to have any type of enjoyment.
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I have to stop what I was going to get to now because that last sentence just brings on a number of different emotions reading it back to myself.
1) Insignificance. I don't think I articulated this well when I saw my therapist, but there's not a lot of self-worth or importance in anything I am doing now on my own to help myself because it feels that the only real big difference I see is whether or not I'm with another person, having a good time with them. Nothing I'm doing on my own can or is coming near that.
2) Selfishness. I think I'm way too dependent on others, and while the self-worth is down, I feel like I'm being selfish anytime I'm asking anyone to do something with me. I said above that I need, not want, but need someone to have enjoyment.
3) Loneliness. This is linked to the selfishness; I'm not #1 in anybody's life. It's not their job to make me happy when they have their own lives and people closer to them to worry about and be with.
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So back to the how. How do I accomplish my life vision? There's a number of things that I can think of right off the bat on how to fill up time. First is school. I looked up some info on the schools near me a couple weeks ago, and was pushed to at least apply by a friend last week, but even just looking at the "How to apply" page brings up so much anxiety that while I'll still give it some consideration from time to time, it's not something I can really do yet. Another idea would be work, but same with the school, anxiety takes control of that, along with pretty much zero work experience, not excellent high school grades, and one year of culinary school, I'm thinking there's not a lot of options.
Volunteer work is something that always comes up, but not something I find conceivable doing on my own, and after those three options, I'm stuck. Breaking it down into smaller steps is always the main suggestion to avoid feeling overwhelmed, but break what down, when it's "filling up my days" that don't include the three things I mentioned above? I don't know.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Loneliness Rant
It's 6am, January 1st, 2013, and I haven't slept yet tonight. This has been very common for the past week or two, and my overall mood is getting worse which is keeping me from sleeping more.
Really, I just want to rant right now, unsure of where it's going to go, and then debate by the end of it if I really want to post it or not. [Edit: Deciding that I will post the below (obviously), and I'm sorry in advance that this is pitiful sounding. I'm not looking for sympathy, really, but typing it out for just myself really didn't make me feel better at all, so maybe publishing it will.]
First of all, Happy New Year, hope you spent NYE well and had fun. I enjoyed mine some, had dinner over at my mom's place and had a couple of crab legs that were delicious, then came home to be alone and play some poker online and talk with a good friend of mine who I haven't really talked to very much in a few years. I forgot how much I miss talking to her on an almost-daily basis, and how little quirks and random facts about her that I knew came back.
I've mentioned it a few times here before, I think, loneliness is a huge struggle for me. It's becoming less so with the normal friend interactions - I have a good friend in my area who is always around for a basketball game to watch or just hang out and bullshit with, I have a number of people I talk to on Twitter or other parts of the Internet that I've known for a couple of years now, then high school and college friends that are in random spots in the US (and one currently in New Zealand) - those are well and they can keep me occupied. It's the really close relationship that's the problem and will keep this loneliness feeling going late at night.
I absolutely love falling in love. I've done it seven times in my life; four of those times never saying anything at all, once saying how I felt, but only after she was already married, once saying how I felt and it really never going anywhere, and once having a really great relationship for a relatively short period of time. I also love baseball, and I know that that isn't a very good batting average.
Currently, I'm stuck on where to go with this, and many different parts are keeping me stuck, enough to where fixing one or a couple of them isn't enough, it will work only temporarily, and sooner or later shit hits the fan. Just imagine it like the game Perfection (And yes, the game name is ironic which makes me laugh), but I'll just cover the main few. One, I still have feelings for the last girl, which springs a self-judgment that I'm pathetic to keep holding onto it, and there's nothing I can possibly do to change the situation with her other than "get over it". Two, self-esteem is too low to start anything even if I were to get over it. There's that saying of something like 'you have to love yourself before you can love others', which I don't necessarily completely believe, but it's definitely a roadblock when I'm thinking how any kind of dating situation or meeting someone new would go. I have to sell myself to another - how would I do that when this is how I imagine the dialogue? "Hey, my name is James." "Hi. What do you do, James?" "Umm...I don't work." "Oh. Where do you go to school?" "Umm...I don't go to school either." "So what do you do with yourself?" "Lots and lots of therapy. You see, I'm clinically depressed, and I'd like to kill myself, but I'm thinking a girlfriend or a really close relationship might help some of that." "Oh, sounds swell. Want to discuss this over coffee sometime?". Three, which is alluded to in that fake dialogue, there's a real fear that even if I were to find someone, fall for someone, be in a solid relationship with someone, I could easily still feel the same way I do now.
Those three, along with others I don't want to cover or don't think I'd be able to articulate well at all, is making me very, very hopeless. Not only about my love life, but life in general. Pathetic comes to mind again, that word seems to fit very well here.
Really, I just want to rant right now, unsure of where it's going to go, and then debate by the end of it if I really want to post it or not. [Edit: Deciding that I will post the below (obviously), and I'm sorry in advance that this is pitiful sounding. I'm not looking for sympathy, really, but typing it out for just myself really didn't make me feel better at all, so maybe publishing it will.]
First of all, Happy New Year, hope you spent NYE well and had fun. I enjoyed mine some, had dinner over at my mom's place and had a couple of crab legs that were delicious, then came home to be alone and play some poker online and talk with a good friend of mine who I haven't really talked to very much in a few years. I forgot how much I miss talking to her on an almost-daily basis, and how little quirks and random facts about her that I knew came back.
I've mentioned it a few times here before, I think, loneliness is a huge struggle for me. It's becoming less so with the normal friend interactions - I have a good friend in my area who is always around for a basketball game to watch or just hang out and bullshit with, I have a number of people I talk to on Twitter or other parts of the Internet that I've known for a couple of years now, then high school and college friends that are in random spots in the US (and one currently in New Zealand) - those are well and they can keep me occupied. It's the really close relationship that's the problem and will keep this loneliness feeling going late at night.
I absolutely love falling in love. I've done it seven times in my life; four of those times never saying anything at all, once saying how I felt, but only after she was already married, once saying how I felt and it really never going anywhere, and once having a really great relationship for a relatively short period of time. I also love baseball, and I know that that isn't a very good batting average.
Currently, I'm stuck on where to go with this, and many different parts are keeping me stuck, enough to where fixing one or a couple of them isn't enough, it will work only temporarily, and sooner or later shit hits the fan. Just imagine it like the game Perfection (And yes, the game name is ironic which makes me laugh), but I'll just cover the main few. One, I still have feelings for the last girl, which springs a self-judgment that I'm pathetic to keep holding onto it, and there's nothing I can possibly do to change the situation with her other than "get over it". Two, self-esteem is too low to start anything even if I were to get over it. There's that saying of something like 'you have to love yourself before you can love others', which I don't necessarily completely believe, but it's definitely a roadblock when I'm thinking how any kind of dating situation or meeting someone new would go. I have to sell myself to another - how would I do that when this is how I imagine the dialogue? "Hey, my name is James." "Hi. What do you do, James?" "Umm...I don't work." "Oh. Where do you go to school?" "Umm...I don't go to school either." "So what do you do with yourself?" "Lots and lots of therapy. You see, I'm clinically depressed, and I'd like to kill myself, but I'm thinking a girlfriend or a really close relationship might help some of that." "Oh, sounds swell. Want to discuss this over coffee sometime?". Three, which is alluded to in that fake dialogue, there's a real fear that even if I were to find someone, fall for someone, be in a solid relationship with someone, I could easily still feel the same way I do now.
Those three, along with others I don't want to cover or don't think I'd be able to articulate well at all, is making me very, very hopeless. Not only about my love life, but life in general. Pathetic comes to mind again, that word seems to fit very well here.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Small Talk
I mentioned briefly at the beginning of the last post on how I struggle with and generally dislike light or hollow conversations. I'll definitely be a part of some throughout the day, plenty of "Did you watch the game last night?" or "How about the weather?", and I understand when small talk is necessary.
However, if I'm your family member or we're just somewhat close friends, it's likely that we've had enough small talk between the two of us to finally move on from the shallow: "How are you?" "Fine." [edit: I was the best at feeling 'fine' all the time, no matter how I was really feeling, just a year or so ago, you can ask my mom how much that annoyed her to no end.] to something that actually includes what's going on in your life and how you're really feeling about it.
I'm not asking/suggesting we delve so deep that every conversation with me ends up being at least 30 minutes long and it feels like you're saying things that are more personal than you are comfortable with. But we always hear how life is so unpredictable and anything can happen, I'd just really hate for our last conversation to be along the lines of "So ... cold out, huh?" "Oh, Minnesota in December? Yup."
Christmas is/was a great reminder why hollow communication gets to me. Christmas cards. I went through a whole set of Christmas cards that my grandparents get every year from family and friends and people they have helped out some time in their lives. About 85% of them had either a cross or a Christmas tree or something Christmas-y on the front, and the card will supply the text "Merry Christmas" for them. What's actually written along with it? "Merry Christmas" again, or "Happy Holidays". Nothing else. I understand the logistics of this, especially if they're one of those people or families that will send out 50-100 cards in a holiday season, but that's 50-100 cards that I really can't find any meaning to whatsoever.
(500) Days of Summer is one of my favorite films, Tom Hansen, the main character, works at a card company. Near the end when he decides to quit, he has a great quote that explains what I'm trying to say a lot better than if I started wracking my brain for another hour:
However, if I'm your family member or we're just somewhat close friends, it's likely that we've had enough small talk between the two of us to finally move on from the shallow: "How are you?" "Fine." [edit: I was the best at feeling 'fine' all the time, no matter how I was really feeling, just a year or so ago, you can ask my mom how much that annoyed her to no end.] to something that actually includes what's going on in your life and how you're really feeling about it.
I'm not asking/suggesting we delve so deep that every conversation with me ends up being at least 30 minutes long and it feels like you're saying things that are more personal than you are comfortable with. But we always hear how life is so unpredictable and anything can happen, I'd just really hate for our last conversation to be along the lines of "So ... cold out, huh?" "Oh, Minnesota in December? Yup."
Christmas is/was a great reminder why hollow communication gets to me. Christmas cards. I went through a whole set of Christmas cards that my grandparents get every year from family and friends and people they have helped out some time in their lives. About 85% of them had either a cross or a Christmas tree or something Christmas-y on the front, and the card will supply the text "Merry Christmas" for them. What's actually written along with it? "Merry Christmas" again, or "Happy Holidays". Nothing else. I understand the logistics of this, especially if they're one of those people or families that will send out 50-100 cards in a holiday season, but that's 50-100 cards that I really can't find any meaning to whatsoever.
(500) Days of Summer is one of my favorite films, Tom Hansen, the main character, works at a card company. Near the end when he decides to quit, he has a great quote that explains what I'm trying to say a lot better than if I started wracking my brain for another hour:
Lies, we're liars. Think about it, why do people buy these things? It’s not because they wanna say how they feel. People buy cards because they can’t say how they feel or they’re afraid to. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Lets level with America; at least let them speak for themselves, right? I mean look, look. What is this, what does this say? “Congratulations on your new baby.” How about “Congratulations on your new baby, guess that’s it for hanging out, nice knowing ya.” How bout this one? With all the pretty hearts on the front, I think I know where this one's going. Yup “Happy Valentines Day sweetheart, I love you.” Isn’t that sweet? Ain’t love grand? This is exactly what I’m talking about. What does that even mean, love? Do you know? Do you? Anybody? If somebody gave me this card, Mr. Vance, I’d eat it. It’s these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they’re to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We’re responsible. I’M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth. Words like love, that don’t mean anything. Sorry, I’m sorry, I um, I quit. There’s enough bullshit in the world without my help.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Suicidal Ideation
I realize this blog so far hasn't been too positive, at least when it concerns the subject matters. I thought about doing a post just on the past week in sports that I was interested in (Ru-bi-oooo), but you can find that on ESPN or Yahoo or some blog somewhere else on the Internet. I've found I'm not very good on light subjects; small talk just annoys me to no end and once I am conversing with someone who checks out mentally, I'm checking out as well. So posting about lighter subjects or subjects that I can't go a little more in-depth on, I'm just going to try to avoid for now.
Which brings me to the subject for today: Suicidal Ideation. Suicidal ideation is just the medical term for suicidal thoughts, along with some depression symptoms and probably some form of planning, whether it's just a really vague or fleeting thought of how you would do it, or a step-by-step procedure of how you would go about doing it. Most people who have suicidal ideation don't necessarily go on to make an attempt, but a portion does. I myself have a plan - two, actually - that I have had for about a year, possibly longer.
In my DBT group, we record (nearly) every day of certain levels of emotions; anger, depression, anxiety (on a 0-10 scale) along with suicidal ideation and self-injurious behavior (0-10 scale, over a 'Y' or 'N' on whether we acted out on them). I have the records in my binder from when I first started in January, and decided last night to take a look when the last time I had recorded a 0/N under suicidal ideation. This probably wasn't a good decision, as I found out the last time I went a day without any of those thoughts was March 15th. As I'm writing this on December 17th, that's 277 days in a row of me thinking about myself committing suicide.
In those 277 days, the number has obviously gone up and down a lot. There's been plenty of 'ones', meaning a very vague thought of it has happened at a random time throughout the day and just left it at that, other times it's been 'sevens' or 'eights', where the thoughts are getting very intense and I need to call someone or have someone come over so I can try and let the thoughts pass - or go to the hospital. I've never written a 'ten' on that, but I think once I'm at that level, that's an attempt and probable success.
Most recently, the last couple of months at most, it has been the first (automatic) thought I have when I wake up, and the last thought I'm struggling to fall asleep with. I'm unsure of how to change that, especially when I'm waking up with it, but it's currently been something that I'm getting used to - just a part of the day. The past week or so it's stayed at a 'three' level, so I think I'm able to deal with it throughout the day much better than when I first started getting them, however, it really adds ammo for when the high levels come about.
My high suicidal ideation moments are all very similar. They're typically at night, I'm by myself, and something will spark the thought of my depression at that moment. Kind of similar to feeling a panic attack coming on (and I commonly do have a panic attack when suicidal ideation is high), it's picking up on that spark, and building and building and building it to where I'm full-on "I'm alone, I'll always be alone. I'm worthless, and I'm indebted to everyone around me. It's not going to get better, it's stupid to keep trying." mode. These are about once a month, or in worse moods, once a week.
I really don't know whether or not I will eventually act on it. I, currently, would like to think some part of my life will get better, and that part would do enough to where I wouldn't have to deal with it every day. I also know that because of those people that I love - my mom, the rest of my family, my friends - it's currently enough for me to not want to act out on it because of how they will react. There is that fear there of maybe my family & friends not being enough down the road, but I hope to have figured out that fear before it happens.
Which brings me to the subject for today: Suicidal Ideation. Suicidal ideation is just the medical term for suicidal thoughts, along with some depression symptoms and probably some form of planning, whether it's just a really vague or fleeting thought of how you would do it, or a step-by-step procedure of how you would go about doing it. Most people who have suicidal ideation don't necessarily go on to make an attempt, but a portion does. I myself have a plan - two, actually - that I have had for about a year, possibly longer.
In my DBT group, we record (nearly) every day of certain levels of emotions; anger, depression, anxiety (on a 0-10 scale) along with suicidal ideation and self-injurious behavior (0-10 scale, over a 'Y' or 'N' on whether we acted out on them). I have the records in my binder from when I first started in January, and decided last night to take a look when the last time I had recorded a 0/N under suicidal ideation. This probably wasn't a good decision, as I found out the last time I went a day without any of those thoughts was March 15th. As I'm writing this on December 17th, that's 277 days in a row of me thinking about myself committing suicide.
In those 277 days, the number has obviously gone up and down a lot. There's been plenty of 'ones', meaning a very vague thought of it has happened at a random time throughout the day and just left it at that, other times it's been 'sevens' or 'eights', where the thoughts are getting very intense and I need to call someone or have someone come over so I can try and let the thoughts pass - or go to the hospital. I've never written a 'ten' on that, but I think once I'm at that level, that's an attempt and probable success.
Most recently, the last couple of months at most, it has been the first (automatic) thought I have when I wake up, and the last thought I'm struggling to fall asleep with. I'm unsure of how to change that, especially when I'm waking up with it, but it's currently been something that I'm getting used to - just a part of the day. The past week or so it's stayed at a 'three' level, so I think I'm able to deal with it throughout the day much better than when I first started getting them, however, it really adds ammo for when the high levels come about.
My high suicidal ideation moments are all very similar. They're typically at night, I'm by myself, and something will spark the thought of my depression at that moment. Kind of similar to feeling a panic attack coming on (and I commonly do have a panic attack when suicidal ideation is high), it's picking up on that spark, and building and building and building it to where I'm full-on "I'm alone, I'll always be alone. I'm worthless, and I'm indebted to everyone around me. It's not going to get better, it's stupid to keep trying." mode. These are about once a month, or in worse moods, once a week.
I really don't know whether or not I will eventually act on it. I, currently, would like to think some part of my life will get better, and that part would do enough to where I wouldn't have to deal with it every day. I also know that because of those people that I love - my mom, the rest of my family, my friends - it's currently enough for me to not want to act out on it because of how they will react. There is that fear there of maybe my family & friends not being enough down the road, but I hope to have figured out that fear before it happens.
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