It's 6am, January 1st, 2013, and I haven't slept yet tonight. This has been very common for the past week or two, and my overall mood is getting worse which is keeping me from sleeping more.
Really, I just want to rant right now, unsure of where it's going to go, and then debate by the end of it if I really want to post it or not. [Edit: Deciding that I will post the below (obviously), and I'm sorry in advance that this is pitiful sounding. I'm not looking for sympathy, really, but typing it out for just myself really didn't make me feel better at all, so maybe publishing it will.]
First of all, Happy New Year, hope you spent NYE well and had fun. I enjoyed mine some, had dinner over at my mom's place and had a couple of crab legs that were delicious, then came home to be alone and play some poker online and talk with a good friend of mine who I haven't really talked to very much in a few years. I forgot how much I miss talking to her on an almost-daily basis, and how little quirks and random facts about her that I knew came back.
I've mentioned it a few times here before, I think, loneliness is a huge struggle for me. It's becoming less so with the normal friend interactions - I have a good friend in my area who is always around for a basketball game to watch or just hang out and bullshit with, I have a number of people I talk to on Twitter or other parts of the Internet that I've known for a couple of years now, then high school and college friends that are in random spots in the US (and one currently in New Zealand) - those are well and they can keep me occupied. It's the really close relationship that's the problem and will keep this loneliness feeling going late at night.
I absolutely love falling in love. I've done it seven times in my life; four of those times never saying anything at all, once saying how I felt, but only after she was already married, once saying how I felt and it really never going anywhere, and once having a really great relationship for a relatively short period of time. I also love baseball, and I know that that isn't a very good batting average.
Currently, I'm stuck on where to go with this, and many different parts are keeping me stuck, enough to where fixing one or a couple of them isn't enough, it will work only temporarily, and sooner or later shit hits the fan. Just imagine it like the game Perfection (And yes, the game name is ironic which makes me laugh), but I'll just cover the main few. One, I still have feelings for the last girl, which springs a self-judgment that I'm pathetic to keep holding onto it, and there's nothing I can possibly do to change the situation with her other than "get over it". Two, self-esteem is too low to start anything even if I were to get over it. There's that saying of something like 'you have to love yourself before you can love others', which I don't necessarily completely believe, but it's definitely a roadblock when I'm thinking how any kind of dating situation or meeting someone new would go. I have to sell myself to another - how would I do that when this is how I imagine the dialogue? "Hey, my name is James." "Hi. What do you do, James?" "Umm...I don't work." "Oh. Where do you go to school?" "Umm...I don't go to school either." "So what do you do with yourself?" "Lots and lots of therapy. You see, I'm clinically depressed, and I'd like to kill myself, but I'm thinking a girlfriend or a really close relationship might help some of that." "Oh, sounds swell. Want to discuss this over coffee sometime?". Three, which is alluded to in that fake dialogue, there's a real fear that even if I were to find someone, fall for someone, be in a solid relationship with someone, I could easily still feel the same way I do now.
Those three, along with others I don't want to cover or don't think I'd be able to articulate well at all, is making me very, very hopeless. Not only about my love life, but life in general. Pathetic comes to mind again, that word seems to fit very well here.