Saturday, May 25, 2013

Untitled

Tonight's the night I really would like to give up.

I'm struggling to find any use for anybody right now, and the best I can come up with is to take care of my cat. Nobody else would want to, or have the patience to deal with her moods, and she does seem to really like it being just two of us. I made sort of an agreement with myself a year or two ago that I would at least wait until my cat died until I'd commit suicide ... that's honestly the only thing that's stopping me tonight, and I'm judging that as me being extremely pathetic.

I would like to find some sort of purpose for myself. It was an assignment from group a couple weeks ago to find purpose (through values, dreams, wants, needs, etc.), and then come up with some future goals that you would truly like to do. They had no restrictions: big/small, realistic/fantasy, anything ... I could've put "to be a major league baseball player", and that would've been it, but I came up with nothing. There's no goals because there's no purpose.

I don't have any dreams or wants or needs or priorities. Not even the imaginative ones anymore.

Then the suggestion was to come up with things that maybe a more optimistic me would consider as being goals, and possibly, through achieving some of those goals, I could find purpose. Problem: I've been working on, and achieved some of, those faux goals for 5 years now. It's not working.

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I don't have anyone currently that I would like to talk to about me or how I'm doing. I have two individual therapists now, and group twice a week, but even now on a Friday night/Saturday morning, where I skipped group therapy on Thursday, these 4 days without therapy or having any sort of deep conversation, is making feel so shitty and alone and isolated.

It's not like I've been isolating myself, either. I've been helping my mom and her fiance move out of their condo multiple times this week, I went down to my grandparent's cabin this morning/afternoon and helped my grandpa put the dock in, along with cleaning up his pontoon and doing random chores around the place that he wanted my help for ... I even had a great time with him, joking with and being "normal" around him.

But that went away pretty quickly. His and I conversations aren't anything deep, on the car rides, we don't even speak a word to each other. Who do I have to talk to, that I have a solid, functional relationship with, where it would feel comfortable? One close friend that I have is continually moving on with their life while I'm in a standstill, and I am avoiding contact with them for no sensible reason other than I think it's just been too long of so little contact that avoiding just seems like the easier way. I could talk to my mom, but she seems particularly miserable because of stresses that she's going through (which some I believe are completely on me), just after a few minutes talking with her, I'm feeling these same stresses as she is, and my problems don't even seem comparable.

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This post has no point to it, I don't have any particular person to talk to, so part of the reason of why I made the blog was so I could just get thoughts down, and it just be read by anyone who would want to.



Update: It was really dumb of me to write a post like this, and then once I finally did fall asleep at about 6-6:30 this morning, put my phone on silent so I could get some sleep. I incidentally scared the fuck out of some people (I'm really sorry, Joe), and that obviously wasn't my intention - I know when to check into the hospital on my own if I'm at that point of needing help.

The biggest problem with my writing above that I didn't make clear at all - that while last night was some elevated levels of depression and suicidal ideation - this is the kind of stuff that runs through my mind every day. And I mean every single day, it's something I wake up to and something I try to fall asleep to each morning & night. So while it was different for others to read that sort of thing, any worry/concern there was specifically for last night ... while it certainly didn't feel good, it also didn't feel too much out of the ordinary for me.

2 comments:

  1. Surviving is work. It's nice to see a post again Mr. James Farris. Very brave to write this stuff. It's work. Good job by you.

    In my experience with anxiety, I've accepted that there's no such thing as "better", but that's besides the point. The point is to work at it. If I don't do the work, it's like letting a cancer spread, and the condition is a self-fulfilling prophecy, a point of no return. Lame analogy: kind of like Data from Star Trek Next Generation, who will never be human, but will never stop working toward being human.

    We do have one thing in common. I was "saved" so to speak by my dog, who I adopted from the Animal Humane Society this past August. Clyde gives me a routine, two walks a day every single day, and I haven't missed a single one since I got him.

    I don't mean to trivialize anything or pretend I really understand like some kind of dollar store psychologist (I reserve that act for explaining why Vance Worley sucks), just hoping you hang in there somehow.

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  2. Hey, I just wanted to say this blog is something to be proud of - it isn't easy to bare your soul for the world to see. As someone who has also struggled with depression from time to time, I wont say that I understand because everyone's experiences are unique, but keep in mind that the world is full of things to see and experiences to experience. There's no reason to try and come up with fake goals to trick yourself when there are so many amazing things out there to do. Have you seen the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? Have you walked the Great Wall? Have you done two chicks at the same time?

    If you are ever in KC, drop me a line - I'd love to have a beer with you.

    -roarke49

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