'Here are 5 successes. These are things that have made you feel competent, confident, even happy in the recent past. Simply sit with them, attempt to allow yourself to feel those things again when you're thinking about those successes, and don't do anything else.'
Getting these instructions from my therapist, I instead analyze all of those successes, invalidate them, and shatter them.
I broke them down to a point where these now so-called "successes" were through no doing of my own (either just happenstance, a nice way of
saying I really failed, or
since they're not current, they don't count).
Not only that, but I made comparisons to what I view a "normal" person my age would be dealing with. That's when I get the feeling I'm behind where every body else is in life, I'm
defective & I'm inferior.
All of this was in a matter of 45-60 seconds. I break down crying because of this frustration that my brain and line of thinking always seems to point towards the way where I suffer. I can't allow myself to enjoy successes, and I have no compassion for myself to where it might lighten that suffering. I can barely allow other people's compassion because either I don't believe them or I don't deserve it & them.
I really hate my brain.